We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
