He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
