I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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