Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
