I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
