OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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