You were right. It hurts to walk today.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
