After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
