Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
