it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
