Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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