I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
