the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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