haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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