i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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