Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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