I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
