Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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