We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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