I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
