Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
