I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
