how can u be prego again
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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