I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
