Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
