just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
