I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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