Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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