I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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