She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
