it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
