Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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