My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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