And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
