Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
