no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
