I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
