I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
