Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
