He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
