I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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