Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
