And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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