I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
