the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
