Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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