Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
