I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
