Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
