Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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