My Higher Power is John Stamos
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
