There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
