i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
